Sometimes it’s nice to do nothing. That thought hit me at around 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon while sitting outside watching a bird. He was sitting on top of the birdhouse calling for a girlfriend. I had just emerged from my office after working all morning. Isa had only recently returned from helping Sabrina with our social skills classes.

I can’t remember the last day I didn’t work. Not that I always work all day. But I do some amount of work every day. And sometimes I work more than I sleep. I’ve been told that it’s not healthy to do so.

Funny how things change when you have kids.

Before Maya came along I had chill’n down to a rare art. I worked a lot, or at least I thought I did. But then Maya came along. Now there is a whole new sense of urgency. “Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be done today” has taken on a whole new meaning.

How did your sense of urgency change when your first child arrived?

Did you find yourself working longer or working harder so your child could have a better life? Did you start reading about how to parent? Did you suddenly become interested in vaccines, schools and toy safety? Or are you one of those parents who managed to go unfazed after childbirth?

I’ve known some of those parents. I’m sure you have too. You see this in the celebrities on TV. You know the ones. Some are still going to clubs. All are still doing the same things they’ve always done.

Bottom line is they are more concerned with themselves than what is best for their children. Sure they’d argue they’re just as concerned as everyone else. But actions speak louder than words.

Supposedly those parents aren’t as common now as they were with the early boomer parents. But it does seem to be more common than it was in the so-called Greatest Generation. Of course the downside of that generation was that dads were not as involved.

That’s a nice progression that’s happening in our society. Dad’s being more involved. Sometimes taking the lead role and often taking a balanced role.

We see a lot of that. And from our admittedly anecdotal observation, those families seem much happier.

We’re fortunate to be involved in the lives of so many parents. And their efforts never cease to amaze me. Some drive over an hour each way several times a week to come to therapy. Many drive in excess of thirty minutes each way. Some have had traumatic life-changing events in their lives and still managed to not miss a day of therapy.

I often wonder if I would have the courage to face what some of our parents face. I wonder if I faced the same challenges if I could be as dedicated. I don’t know.

Of course doing what’s right for your child is what parenting is all about. It’s not always an easy task. Decisions can be tough. By definition sacrifices are not easy. But as long as we put their needs first, we’ll all end up in the right place.

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Why Me? That’s a question many siblings ask themselves. Isa and I have talked about this often over the years. Whether it’s a kid with special needs or one that’s truly gifted, we see it all the time.

The other child wonders, “why me?”.

The normal child feels this way because his or her sibling gets all the attention. Often this leaves the child feeling resentment towards his or her sibling.

Parents can feel this way too, although they rarely do towards the gifted child.

Many parents feel alone in the world, especially if their child has special needs. They feel judged by other parents and ignored by their doctors. Too often they are justified in this feeling. Even a simple trip to play at the park can end with judgmental parents asking, “why can’t you control that child?”

I can’t imagine how they must feel. Other than being large, Maya is a typical, run-of-the-mill baby. But I get nervous taking her to the store alone. I’m afraid she’ll have a melt-down and everyone will stare… and judge me.

For parents that have children with significant special needs, such as autism, this is almost a certainty.

The other day Isa and I were watching the Autism special Oprah did for Autism Awareness Month. The parents spoke of how traumatic it can be going to the store because of their child’s behavior. Maybe it’s hugging strangers, maybe it’s tantrums, knocking things off of the shelves or any of several dozen other quirky things. All of which are received with scorn, and judgment by other people.

I used to be like that before I met Isa. I had no idea what Autism was. It never occurred to me that disabilities can have a profound affect on a child’s behavior and a parent’s state of mind.

Point being, awareness can do wonders for getting rid of judgment and helping other parents feel not so alone. Empathy also helps.

One of the parents on the show said that she wished people would ask “how can I help you” instead of judging her and asking “why can’t you control him”.

Would you do that? If you saw a parent whose child was acting up, would you offer to help? I bet you wouldn’t. Here’s why.

We’re all afraid of how the parent would respond. When it comes to kids we even have a hard time offering advice to our friends, even if we know it is right and would help. We’ll stick our nose into just about anything else. We’ll stick our nose places we shouldn’t. But for some reason we run scared when it comes to the kids.

But how would you feel if someone, especially a friend, could have helped you but didn’t?

Maybe that’s how we should try to look at this. Maybe that would help us all realize, and act like, we’re really in this together.

And don’t forget about the siblings. They are in it with us too. They are important. And we need to make sure they know it.

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Having a baby isn’t easy. Working with a baby really isn’t. One question many of you have asked over and over again is “how does Jason manage to work with Maya?”

That’s not easy to answer… without sounding like a pompous twit.

Before I try to answer let me first say this has given me a whole new respect for “moms” and especially my mother.

She raised 3 sons, managed the books of the family business, kept the house clean, and dinner on the table. She drove 20 miles, every day, to take us to school (and 20 miles back). She did this in the old stereotypical fashion with no help from my dad. After all, “that was a woman’s job”.

My, how times have changed.

Now the traditional gender roles are blurred. There are more variables than I have space to cover. But to say the least, many dads are home with the kids whether they are working or not.

Which brings me back to the “how’s he do that question”.

The short, clichéd and obvious answer is, “I just do it”. The real answer is “it’s a constant struggle between ideally and realistically”. (There is a Tom Cruise joke about that, but it’s not appropriate here.)

Ideally Maya would play nicely while I get all my work done. Realistically I spent several months getting up at 5am to work. I work frantically any time she naps (which up until recently was never). And, Isa and I both work most weekends.

Sometimes, for lack of a better way to put it, that really sucks. But hey that’s life, right? Everybody has their issues.

I read somewhere that an optimist is someone who finds something good when everything is going bad. And a pessimist is someone who finds something bad when everything is going good.

For me that’s what it all comes down to. It’s all about the mindset. That’s the key to everything else. What’s going on around you is irrelevant if your head’s not right.

For years I saw the problems in situations. And that’s still the easiest thing for me to do. But I’d be in trouble if I still did that. There’s always something bad, always. But luckily, if you look for it, there’s always something good. What I focus on is my choice. (for the record my mother told me “it’s your choice” for years… and that really irritated me. It was only a couple of years ago when I finally “got it”.)

But I can’t talk about how “I do it” without talking about Isa. We are both in this together. I couldn’t do it without her. It’s not always easy for her either. I often see it when she walks out the door. But she’s hardwired to make things work. So she does. I learn a lot watching how she handles things.

And we both learn a lot from you.

That’s one thing about this profession. We get to see a lot of different approaches to raising children and dealing with life in general. We see successes and we see failures.

But most importantly we see many people who have figured out what’s great about their life regardless of what they, or others, may consider bad. People who keep moving forward regardless of the obstacles they face.

I’m not talented enough to describe how inspiring that is to Isa and me.

But for that, we both thank you.

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